July 10, 2013

The Gloss of Love

The sky that was murky and dark has raised  the curtain cloudless and bright like my heart is, Amar!I am now recalling the past. On a similar kind of bright and shiny day, you and I were figuring out to set off for the Plains. At this moment too, like those times, my spouse still wants me to take wholesome foodstuff. But I don't feel to take it... I am on bed -rest. He is still stuck on nurturing me. How profound is his love for me!
 Had I figured out and brought to my senses his sum and substance and the whole tale of love for me, I would not have needed to recline on the bed like this...In situations as such, the surge of memories of the bygone dwells as waves harmony in the deepest core of the heart. Other days, the life that borne down throughout the wee hours until dawn…! Mind doesn't get free...Mind doesn't get spare times to bring back the past.
You may dub this story facetiously or with discreet circumspect, Amar. You may nickname it as a soliloquy,
a story or a letter. Now, I am brought under circumstances to unbosoming my sensibilities into a language, so with sincere salutations, I am bringing out this autobiography. Ironically, for the one who's used to having a jolly on the unsought carousal time after time, night after night, faces it hard to play with words. Therefore, I am hardly making a disclosure of my story inside out in a colorful writing.

Oh, yes indeed, in those days even, like the present, my spouse had cooked sort of wholesome food for me and brought infront of me. You called in. My spouse turned the mobile on and handled it to me. I was in a compelling rush. I had to ready all stuff for five days of foothill visit. Some were stuffed by my spouse himself. I talked to you about our visit and hanged up on you. And my spouse plugged the mobile back in the charger. I was used to taking some wholesome foodstuff before I ran an errand out of my house. I was running out of time to cook food for me. My spouse had cooked for me and brought it next to me. At that time too, my entire feelings were swamped by his love and I fell for him evermore. How deeply he loves me...! But I... I put a question to myself...  Because often times, I am caused with feelings of bewilderment. Again I thought, there are a multitude of women without the love of a sweetheart or a spouse left to a trait of rash imprudence and careless heed. Whereas, even having such a dutiful and loving spouse, I was giving rise to and bringing about deception and hate. The surge of frost billowed at my heart was never cleared out.
Now I am lost in utter void, and I recall why the undulating mass of frosty feelings wavered inside me!

Oh, yes indeed, I was in a rush to go… actually in a rush to meet you. Primarily you liked the 'Green Color'. I wore a green-colored Kurta Salwar. You felt  'Green' the Symbol of Creation-like my own ridge of literary creations. I turned my eyes on across my spouse's countenance with a swift furtive glace. His eyes spoke the language of him wanting me to take food-stuff and said '' the one with stomach sickness...the sick mustn’t stay empty stomach....you may come down with still more problems on the way...'' He was reiterating. I felt weary with his tedious vocal expression. I took foodstuff grumbling morosely. Again I set my eyes on at him. He was in a position to embrace me and kiss. I took no notice of him and carried my bag and left. When I came out, I found my mobile was at home. I went back in again and yelled at him muttering for keeping my mobile in the charger, calling it a bad omen to return back halfway. He was telling me it was not good to burst into anger at the time of departure. I cared of him no more and I pushed on.
He told me he would take me to the taxi stand. I responded him that the kids at home were sleeping...no one would be in the room. Then after, I ploughed on with an unfaltering determination in quite speedy way through the passage. Nothing was in my memories, but you.
My artisticity asleep at the switch and left into the clouds of slumber was blooming. I, an NGo professional, and you a Social Worker... We were heading down into the plains when the mass of dew moistened and encircled a wide range of area, as the office was planning to distribute clothes and blankets for the needy. We were working for two different fields, but our heart was one. We were drowned deep into the lake of our love. You were the one working for a Society...At many states of affairs, NGos needed to ask lending hands from you. We were led into intimacy in this kind of meeting. You, an elite one from the Kathmandu Valley... it wouldn’t really make a difference had you rendered your wealth for social welfare bounteously! You were as rich by heart as you were by wealth and luxury. Indeed, in those times, I always saw decent quality in you. You were never jealous granting all these riches you retained. Never was there a single signal of covetous look on your eyes. You were awesome. You personality was so molded and you were like the apple of someone's eye. You alone owned some Factories, and a Finance Company.
Oh, yes! We'd made our minds up to take measures to garner and bring together blankets and clothes and fabrics for our foothill visits. We'd decided to distribute those clothes to them who were caught up with a swell of frosty dews and humid weather.
It wasn’t skeptical about the fact that you were not raised to questions of participating. Before this plan, our feelings had already gradually entered on from Facebook through mobile to forming a single strength of heart. By degrees, the fount of love had sprung up between us. You were also one amongst many to love my artisticity. It was permeating across through the new world of Facebook and was little by little thought highly, admired and regarded with warm approval by the readers. I was lost in awe looking at your Status Updates. I was wondering about how I could spread my budding artisticity in the society. For this you could have lent me helping hands. I was by degrees attracted on you to get support of your conscious approach. You were never less persuasive to be sweet on with your feelings for me. You, a  man working for the society... feeling that you would help me for  the sake of my thriving artisticity, I articulated vividly to you the heart of mine in our informal talks- ''I am in a decision to bringing out the art I retain''You said me quite easily- ''It will be fortunate for me to assist you. I can assist a little from my heart's insides''.
Ah! How sweet were those words-like the self-surging harmonic waves of sound...like the honey-comb filled with nectar. I was enthralled and held spellbound by your words. I felt that I had found a great support. I felt I truly found it. I felt that my creations shadowed by the screen of need would get a support...a true assistance to move along like the unbeatable waves of the interminable deep. A flame of trust upon you ignited in me. You helped me a lot for my artisticity, both mentally and financially. And my artisticity flourished across the nook and corner of places...the medias brought it to the limelight. You had a greater role to do this. After the program of publishing my artisticity, I felt that it was a fool's paradise to think about to be known to the medias and the society without a great support. I knew it only then after how the media's league is spread out! It should be by your huge support that I never had to work for it hard. You were for sure an established figure and respected too, in the society. Comparatively, my spouse's personality was inferior...evoking in me a pitiful love for him. He would not dare to talk to strangers openly. And furthermore, he was unknown about this field. In this way, the bond of our spousal relationship was gradually nearing. Our relationship that connected from Facebook, Chats and Mobile intensified like the extreme heat of the searing Sun.
How pleasurable the life is, Amar! I used to dictate you my feelings being drowned far down into the deep. I used to feel that I had retained a secure love from you. Far from all household frustrating let-downs and maddening scene, I felt ever to lose my entire self into the psalm of your engrossing melody of love. With all I possessed, I still felt my life deficient and gloomy without you. You used to utter in countless superlatives how you found me, expressing it to me in fresh gestures often times. I   used to marvel at your majestic words...its captivating thrill. On the one hand, it was great for me to find such a masculine personality as you were, and on the other hand, I was overjoyed to get my artisticity flourished far through your support. I felt the flood of delight had betided into me. It was a cascade of excessive joy. I used to share with you how easeful was my life with the shade of your love. I can’t image myself how different and strange would have been my life had your love was not for me...Alas! Like the foggy orange fallen from the tree, might life mine be....! Ever in your love, I felt heartening joy enwrapping me...In this way, through our profound intimacy, our love got way to bud and bloom! On our foothill visits, I had three days of work, and we had decided to spend other two days in Birjung. You had driven your I-20(Hyundai). Other friends were on the stuff-loaded vehicle. I including some of my friends were on your vehicle. For three days, we were busy distributing blankets and clothes for the needy in the Plain. That was quite frustrating task to perform...rendering null and void for us. It was easier said than done to perform it because of language intricacies of the Plain ethnic dwellers. Nonetheless regional organization assisted us, its actions upon benefactors like us ...vividly spoke a language of discontent and disaffection. This feeling of disgust they showed upon us had dispirited and little by little set our mental attitudes down in the dumps. But the intelligent had admired our tasks and hailed with expressions of hearty thankfulness. Indeed, it was then known- that on everything there are two parts-one the darker side and the other, the brighter one. We did find those sides-the darker and the brighter,both.
After the fourth day of work, our friends returned back to Kathmandu during the day. We trod the boards of disguise and concealed our inside stories saying that we would be returning after shopping at Raksul, Birgunj. Some friends had known about our relation. In these days, many take this kind of relation a minor gossip. At this age of open privacy, indeed no one has time to spare on minor gossip. We had reserved a room in the Lodge at Birjung. We decided to stay there one night and return back home the following day after shopping. You had planned it. I never intended to come to Raksual, Birjunj giving ways to know about our secrecy. But... but you never rethought and took it into consideration.
On the third day, for not having got chance to impinge upon my feminine charm with your lustful feelings, you seemed quite heated and intense for not having this physical intimacy at the time you desire. And your heated passion in a silent room poured in and you said'' Darling, you knowit, how dear is the love that we share in a silent room, right?  How sweet is the kiss of your lips...though I have my spouse at home''!I added nutrients to your words and sweetened it, and let you imbibe its flavor, saying- ''how sweet and savory is the nourishment got outside of home! At home we remain all full, longing for a passionate strain of heart-a romance of privacy...'' You turning back to my words added more vibes of passion (as you might be spirited more)and embraced me tight and kissed. You held me in to the tidal waves of intense yearning. I burst into flame of heat as you held me... and I surrendered and gave in.You always gratified from me for you always attempted to bring pressure upon me to make the most of me so as to regain your lost time and money. In all respects, I had confessed to you realistically that any single one always attempts hastily to gain back whatever he's incurred...I  was never able to turn your words down. In reality, it was not one-sided imposing of ideas, but it was two-sided genial acceptance. You gave me things you retained, and so did I. There were no talks of win or loss here. On the day we reached to Lodge, you were at haste to savor the fount of appealing appetite and stick on it prodding and quenching... We were taking us into fanciful apex of content and delight. We were losing our own selves in a strange wilderness of sensual romance. After hours of sheer pleasure, we got back into our real world. Your love cast spell upon me and my life felt assuaged with elixir and cure-all of all that I owned.  But now, Amar, the whole thing is all done and gone... I am all alone, void and empty. I have nothing inside me, but a black hollow of void and emptiness. All other things are thawed in the depth of the erstwhile and the gone by. If I have any single thing left, that is nothing but an intimacy of hazardous waste of swelling breeze gained through our sensual privacy. Often times, those passions come bringing in me the prickle and spine piercing into me...into the depth of deepest insides of mind and heart. See, Amar, how desperate and naive are women. And so is the reality, that since the ancient age, women and the innocent are hushed up and brought under untoward domain. It is for real and without any reasonable doubt that we women are brought up into lives through myriads of hard frame of social structure and male domain. In reality, the relationship we had between us was beyond shadow of doubt intolerable for the society we lived in. It was never acceptable for the people, because we had our own world. But when the question of norms and values rises, the society engulfs into the deep furrow of dilemmas , and it is believed of easy virtue, indecent and reprobate. In this kind of matters, the society defends male and person like you, and all the allegations are poured into the canister of our cherished hopes.
This is not a strange story. When a male member of a society keeps physical relation with a woman and when she is gravid, the society never responds with a single word to a male and he remains pure and decent in the society, but a woman is looked down upon and despised with a nerve center to unbosoming her minutes of shortcoming. She is enslaved under blues of agony.Indeed, the same acrid gossip has swept the town now. But to defend this, you've resisted with no single word. This had made me disheartened and left me to heartsick and in doldrums. My heart was like the sky filled with puff of cloud--dismal and gloomy. I had tried to get support of you in these hours through e-mails and put forward my queries and questions, but never did you respond me. Thus, for a long time, my heart was gloomy and dark. You never replied me; neither did you pick up the phone when I called you.Indeed, the same acrid gossip has swept the town now. But to defend this, you've  resisted with no single word. This had made me disheartened and left me to heartsick and in doldrums.
 Oh, yes indeed, we were getting back from Raksual,Birjunj after shopping. Whatever was to happen happened at this time…? The time saddled me with weighty heart and stroke against my fate and hopes. On the way back to our destination, our car got into accident in Mugling. I never knew what happened then. When I got out of comas later in the hospital, I found out that I had a deep cut in my head, a leg fractured on two places and the rest of the body not hurt at all. After all this incidences, the story about our concealed relation broke into squares of spreading air and reached at wide distance like the breeze of lachrymator painful for the surrounding we dwelt on. For your sake, you'd made all secure and safe. People who had witnessed the scene of accident used to tell the story that the driver attempts to save him....and yes, you did that for you...you braced nothing. You just not only saved your body from being harmed and wounded, you did save your reputation and appearance, stigma and disgrace when people asked you who I was when I was in the hospital. You simply told them that I was on the way needing a ride and you gave a ride to me, which was later clear. Why did you dare to say that...you could also say that I was your sweetheart! I'd never thought that you were so self-centered, uncaring and chicken-hearted! When even as a girl (a spouse of someone) I dare to openly say that you were my sweetheart at these hours, why did you go callous and ill-tempered when I was all in need of your assistance in a deep unconsciousness I fell into...!You could also say that I was your relative or a friend...why didn't you...Nothing had happened to you...Why didn't you come to the hospital to see me at that time...you worry this much about your reputation and status...had you said that I was your girl-friend too, I wouldn't have forced you to have our nuptial knot...I wouldn't have countered with you for assets and riches...Whatever we did was for our self-gratification. But… but I had never thought that you would reveal your inner self in pitiful and deceptive prelude eventually. I swear against your manliness and masculine virtues. Today, in the e-mail I knew that you'd brought inside out the strong feeling of displeasure and hostility, and my heart's risen like the Sun of a brighter day.
I am glad these days, Amar! My spouse has been constantly tending and loving me and my health. Nevertheless, the town is swollen by the tempest of his spouse's defamatory nature; he's never been worried and desperate. Still more, he is concerned about my health and he has stood all for me.
Actually the definition of love I've understood is the way I mentioned it.

(Note: I couldn't turn request of the original writer down and tried this one. I will want to read your beautiful comments and suggestions if you could kindly drop some lines down.
Thanks- Welkin Siskin)


मेरो बारेमा

मलाई पछ्याउनेहरु

फेसबुक शुभेच्छुक

भिजिटर म्याप

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